So I havn't posted in quite a while.. As a matter of fact, I think I had 1, maybe 2 in the little life of my blog. but on the brink of an emotional breakdown, all I know is that I need to write.
I love Spencer. I love him in a way that I can't explain, because the purest, deepest words in human language can't describe it.. and he loves me back. this I know..
but he also loves the military.
a love that I'm neither jealous of nor resentful. so what word do I use?
understanding.supportive.admirable. orrr how about horrified.scared.worried.nauseous..
this could be due to the fact that I just spent 3 hours browsing through a memorial website of the names of all military personel killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. This site hit home for me. I mean really hit home, like the way it felt when you were younger and you fell out of tree flat on your back... breath entirely knocked out of you. that's how it felt to scroll endlessly through the names, alphabetical order, linked to the faces of these people who are never coming home.
http://www.iraqwarheroes.com/
if you feel like browsing and saying a prayer. which I did 80 times over.. in between sobs and hands over my mouth, and wiping tears from my cheeks.
So when I say that I supported 'doing something' or 'taking action' after 9/11. I won't take that back, because I really felt like SOMETHING had to be done.. another list of 3000+ names and faces I browsed through one afternoon a year or so ago. people sitting at their desks, standing a vending machine, planning the rest of their day.. when their lives were taken.. stolen from them and their families. up in smoke.. while browsing through this site (reminding/convincing? myself when Spencer went to Iraq in 2007 that he was going for a purpose, and that consequently my purpose in our relationship was to support him) where was I going with this.. oh yeah
so in the beginning I supported defending ourselves, taking action etc. but now almost a decade later... I don't know how I feel. How about I all those men had never packed their bags. I wish this war was over. I wish it never started?
so.many lives taken and I just feel like.. for what? have there been monumental/epic victories I have missed? are they purposely leaving these victories out of the media to keep the 'anti bush' 'anti war' campaign flowing? what am I missing here? really..
in the same breath, if something had happened to Spencer on his tour and we had pulled out of Iraq or Afghanistan with no significant victory for humanity made, I may have felt outraged, and as though he had lost his life for nothing.. but as of right now, I just feel sad. and I feel scared. and I feel awful for the people in my situation, or the hundreds of thousands in worse situations than mine.
Thank God he came home.
but now he may be going active duty. he loves the military.. he really does. it's his dream, his passion, his calling. and he's damn good at it.
This is the way that I love him.
so what do I do. beg? plead? rationalize? cry? scream.throw things.leave.stay.rebel.support.?...write a blog?
I wish I knew.
I think a small part of me wishes that I could make him happy enough that he'd be satisfied with being a janitor all of his life, if it meant we'd always be together...
